the selkie

different shades of blue

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In my head I call you Mila, because you were the miracle that never came to be.

There are great blue herons everywhere. Roosting up on the top of a tree, bathing in the lagoon. Always overhead. Mid flight.

Where does the soul go when they’re told they can no longer stay?

The crows are laughing wildly. It smells like the end of the world. Eucalyptus, jasmine and a tiny hint of dog piss. The scrub jays with their magnificent blue and their beautiful corvid faces are just out of touch. I spread out my arms, reaching until they rise far above. What are you trying to tell me?

Each time grief pulls me under, I seem to wash up alongside your shore.

Goodbye grandmother, I sing to the seagull song. Goodbye, to my mother, I whisper, feet at the foam. Goodbye to being mother to the other. Dewy sea salt kisses the brim of my face. The waves swell up dangerously just to lightly sweep over my daughters small body. She giggles as she watches the water come forward, kissing her legs before bidding farewell once more. “I’m swimming! It’s my first time swimming!” How are we on the cusp of four?

We walk the trail that dips out into the sea and find the swing hanging firmly on a lone eucalyptus tree. She swings forward and backwards like a tide in motion.

When you died, all I could think about were orcas.

I thought it was a birthday gift from you. How long will it sting to hear someone else is due in June?

I cannot bear the thought that you will not come back to wear your name.

It’s a glow of a night, she whispers as we watch the sun’s warmth plunge deep into a cool, oceanic sleep. When I dream, it’s in orange but my heart sings out in blue.

You are the selkie who had to return home to the sea. I know now how painful it was for you to leave.